Released to the public for the first time: THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH CONSPIRACY

No doubt since the passing of Anna Nicole Smith have more and more details of her mysterious life been surfacing, mostly coming from Bush acolyte and public diversion expert Rupert Murdoch. Every second since the tragedy , the media sources associated with NEWS, CORP. (FOX Media and NY POST) have been the primary among news sources to inform the public of these shadowy facts that have reemerged in the form of a different body. Yes, that's right, it's beginning to sound a lot like they are attempting to construct their own conspiracy theory on the death of Anna Nicole, in the style of the JFK conspiracies and what more people are now doing with 9-11. Both the JFK assassination and 9-11 have their individual meaning and place in history. However, Anna Nicole Smith, who in her life had been a mediocre gossip topic with no credibility but her controversial publicity stunts and sizeable busom, is hardly worth mentioning as a possible coverup/conspiracy. To compare her to Marilyn Monroe is laughable.

Nevertheless, since it seems to be so fun for the media to piece together whatever they can to solve this mystery (who needs actual news anyway?), I thought it might be fun to devise my own theory based on the myriad ideas of the tragedy that have presented themselves. So without further due: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH CONSPIRACY REVEALED TO THE PUBLIC ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

Our story begins in September, 2006. Anna Nicole Smith gives birth to the million dollar baby, Danniellyn, in the Bahamas. Three days later her 20-year-old son, Daniel dies a mysterious death. Most people remember him from the thankfully short-lived Anna Nicole Smith reality series in 2002. Coroners ruled the probable cause to be a drug cocktail mixed with methadone. Anna Nicole, reportedly distraught over her son's death, marries Howard K. Stern in a matter of weeks. So much for grief and mourning.

Throughout her life, Anna Nicole Smith had been pegged as a celebrity whose merit was based solely on shock value and stunt pulling to intrigue her woefully lame audience. These include her marriage to oil tycoon, and perhaps a would-be friend of the Bushes named J. Howard Marshall. When Marshall died, she filed a lawsuit against family for his inheritance and wound up losing. In addition, after the death of Marshall's body, she claimed to have sexual relations with his ghost. What else would she be capable of doing?

Back to the story. Still in the Bahamas, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in more or less the same hotel room that her son had passed away in months before. The cause of death was eerily similar. Drugs were found in her bloodstream, perhaps the same that killed her son. These are the facts, yet what sort of conclusion can be drawn from them?

Following her death, the media began to speculate about the quandary of Anna Nicole's baby and who the father was. None have presented logical conclusions about Anna's supposed suitors, nor have they even conducted DNA testing in the nearly two months that have passed since the tragedy. Somebody's hiding something, and the answer just might be closer than you think.

Enter Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole's Lover who has come forward claiming sole responsiblity for the child and the estate at stake. Stern had no visible involvement, neither in her death or her son's death. Why the shadows? Why the mystery? I surmise that, in a fit of rage and passion, Stern murdered both Anna Nicole Smith and her son over being disgusted of the fact that they conceived a child together.

WOAHH!! NO HE DID NOT--Yes, I did. As taboo as it sounds, there is tangible reason to assume that regardless of the recent findings in the news of who Dannielynn's father really is, Anna did indeed become impregnated by her own son. Think about it. Why would Anna, in the process of mourning her son, decide to marry so sudden and so abruptly? To make it look like the child was not a bastard and was not conceived in incest. Moreover, Dannielynn sounds like something an inbred would name her child. As they say (and pump more money into the FIC by saying), ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!

EMERGENCY ACTION: Save Aqua Teen Hunger Force from EXTINCTION!

On Wednesday, January 31, the mooninites invaded the city of Boston. I'm speaking, of course, of the merry two-dimensional pranksters from the hit toon "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" on Adult Swim (Cartoon Network), of which anyone who knows me can say, I am a huge fan. So when news broke of a guerrilla advertising company setting off terror alarms in Beantown, I went into attack mode. Not because I was worried that Ignignokt and Err might attack our nation, but something much, much worse.

Initially the panic was set off by what the Department of Homeland Security described as a "suspicious device". Furthermore, they added that there were "several electronic devices of a character giving the finger" placed among highways and bridges in several US cities, more prominently Boston. When the threat turned out to be a hoax, the blame was placed on Ted Turner and an advertising agency that engineered a publicity stunt for Aqua Teen Hunger Force, perhaps for the upcoming movie. Arrests were made, and Ted Turner ending up paying $2 Million to the affected agencies. Yet I still fear for the nation's safety.

The New York Post depicted the blinking electronic device giving the finger as "Ignignokt". The character in the devices is actually Err, the juvenile sidekick. I feel that this misrepresentation is deliberate (as if either Err or Ignignokt were here to defend themselves) as part of an even bigger ploy. It seems that this was a staged incident by Rupert Murdoch used to instigate a Fashion Industrial Complex war against rival Ted Turner, that uses US citizens as pawns. Mysteriously enough, The Post was the only New York tabloid to put news about the hoax on the front page. Immediately, Ted Turner was recognized as the target of reproach. What's more, another Post article snides Aqua Teen Hunger Force as "catering to the late-night, dorito-munching insomniac stoner crowd." How true, if only this Post reporter wasn't writing with an ulterior motive.

So with all the ducks in a row, I can only imagine what will happen in the coming months. Homeland Security will start to rationalize about Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Already with the knowledge that the show is a fave among potheads, they will come to the conclusion that in light of the incident, Aqua Teen fans are dangerous subversives. Throw the pot factor into the equation, and you have what the Partnership for a Drug Free America has already hinted in their post-9/11 messages, that MARIJUANA=TERRORISM.

Homeland Security will begin to place sanctions on retailers carrying Aqua Teen Hunger Force products, and seize all merchandise. Police will monitor anyone with pot arrests and convictions under the age of 35 for a possible link to the Aqua Teen fanbase. They will conduct raids of anyone that has purchased an Aqua Teen Hunger Force item since 2004, and will demand that they reveal to them anybody that has the slightest interest in Aqua Teen. ATHF creators Dave Willis (the voice of Ignignokt, Meatwad and Carl) and Matt Maiellaro will be deported. All that have taken part in the ATHF franchise will be taken to Guantanamo.

And just what does Rupert Murdoch stand to gain with this plan? Control. Over the media, the internet, the general public. He'll have the whole world convinced that Ted Turner's media conglomerate is a sham and supports terrorism. More people will rely on News, Corp. (FOX NEWS and the NY Post) for information. Youth will continue to ignore the negative press about Myspace.com. And more of our soldiers and Iraqi civilians will die because of misinformation. Believe me on this one. So tell your friends, your loved ones, and whoever you consider to be important. SAVE AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FROM EXTINCTION!!!