John Varvatos: Rock and Roll's Antichrist

In October 2006, Hilly Kristal lost a major battle to save his beloved CBGB's from drowning in the urban wasteland that is called Manhattan. After much litigation and failed negotiations with Mayor Bloomberg to secure a new location for the club, the future of live music in New York City was put down like a invalid racehorse named Barbaro. For 18 months, the site laid dormant. Passerbys would mark the legendary birthplace of American punk with graffiti as a shell of its famous storefront remained. Meanwhile, the Bowery Rescue Mission next door, the same that leased CBGB's, continues to house the homeless of the Lower East Side; a poignant reminder that homelessness in New York is prevalent in all walks of life, including struggling musicians. Unfortunately, there is no alloted shelter for the underground rock movement.

It wasn't just the physical landmark that was CBGB's displaced by gentrification. The very soul of underground rock was, in my opinion, wrenched from the Bowery into utter oblivion. The infrastructure has fallen. The New World Order under the Fashion Industrial Complex has taken shape in the form of a old enemy, ROCK AND ROLL FASHION DESIGNERS. A cunning and crafty serpent by the name of John Varvatos has cleverly wormed his way into the scene by capitalizing on the CBGB's site, creating a boutique for famous rock stars. Could this be the prophesied Rock and Roll Antichrist?! Let's look into the Bible: SECOND THESSALONIANS 2:3 states, "Let no man deceive you by any means, for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first(gentrification on the Lower East Side), and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition; who opposeth and exalteth himself above all that is called God(or Rock)or that is worshipped, so that he as God (of Rock)sitteth in the temple of God (CBGB's)showing himself that he is God(being a designer demigod for Rock stars)."==John Varvatos clearly fits the profile of the Rock and Roll Antichrist as somebody who has usurped the holy ground of CBGB's to fuel his sick greed.

Like any candidate for an Antichrist, John Varvatos has chosen his Rock Star minions, among whom are Iggy Pop and Chris Cornell. Both have a specific task and mission. While Iggy is the quintessential model for Heroin Chic ('nuff said), Chris Cornell is your regular sell-out. As frontman for Audioslave, his role as part of Rock COINTELPRO was to seek out, and disrupt the political works of Rage Against The Machine, by replacing frontman and ardent communist Zach de la Rocha. HENCE, rendering the group's radical philosophy useless. The name AUDIOSLAVE in itself ought to suggest one thing: rather than "rage against the machine", people (or sheeple) would be more comfortable with their iPods, being a SLAVE to the FIC. That is all for now. TAH TAH!

The Hipster Crisis of 2008: Williamsburg residents plug Barack Obama

I was recently at the mini-mall on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, when I overheard a gaggle of moronic hipsters gaggling about Barack Obama. They were elated over his recent victory and proceeded to give each other high-fives in celebration. I kid you not, this has been the phenomenon in the past 5 months or so. All over Northern Brooklyn I have seen signs with Obama's face saying "CHANGE BROOKLYN CAN BELIEVE IN" posted in locales such as stores and restaurants. Although the fall of Williamburg has been long confirmed since as far back as 2001, this certainly puts it in stone.

Hipster, by definition, is a yuppie that sets the standard for what is hip by considerably tacky fashion quotas. They regard themselves to be elite because the clothes they wear, the music they listen to, and the books that they read are considered to be "avant-garde", thereby setting a distinction between them and non-hipster 'hoods. A hipster is usually what follows after radicals and artists when a neighborhood is gentrified. The hipster embodies the radical and artistic aspects through their individual styles but contain none of the substance of the people they displaced through gentrification. They are usually the first to spout the academic content of leftist politics without the raw grassroots approach. By academic leftist standards, electing Barack Obama would be right on the money. Why? BECAUSE HE'S BLACK. On the other hand, an educated leftist who does research on candidates would tell you that Barack Obama is far from reputable.

For generations, modern white hipsters have been guilty of subjecting black people to their image of what is cool. For example, hipsters do not consider themselves to be complete in hipsterdom unless if they have a token black in their circle. And by that I don't mean just a random black person who's down to earth and easy to talk to. NO, I mean the lionized black that hipsters consider an object of devotion, the author of "hip", so to speak. Sorta like the type Sonic Youth sings about in "Cool Thing". The way these hipster doofi approach integration is in its nature subjective, by which they think blackness equates automatic coolness, and something to idolize without a clue as to what the black experience entails. And what could be cooler than a black president?! To me, nothing could be more overtly racist than to single out black people as being demigods and not ordinary people. And nothing could be more ludicrous than to decide who the next president is going to be, because of his race.

And what do I think of Barack Obama? If he weren't an Uncle Tom he'd be torn to shreds by the media and Hillary Clinton, and that's a fact.

The Slacker Movement: What is it all about?

Recently, Roman Shusterman, an activist, began holding out a sign in Union Square Park. It said in bold letters, "Slackers of the World Unite!" The sign generated a response of several threads on Sean Hannity's website, where they went into further detail of how he was calling for the Million Slackers March. Although being that Sean Hannity's bigoted eccentricities do not mesh well with the message Roman was trying to promote, I will add that any response is favorable, contrary to what I've been experiencing with my own personal blog (ho de hoho hum!!!) I am rather astonished since card-carrying members of the Fashion Industrial Complex would generally ignore and give two-word responses, if anything. I would like to thank the person who put us on the website, political differences aside, for helping me and Roman introduce people to the idea of the Slacker Movement. However, I would like to take the time to clarify exactly what it entails.

I was the brains behind this idea. A slacker, by definition, is generally somebody that does not want to work. 'Nuff said, right? Wrong. A slacker can be many things. In the 90's, the Alternative generation glamorized the slacker lifestyle as rebelling against what society told them they should be doing for a living. Now as much as I loved the Grunge era, the negative portrayal of slackerdom--as capitalized by Kurt Cobain--did little but feed into the Fashion Industrial Complex's degradation of my generation through stereotyping their likes and distastes. Think of Beavis and Butthead being redirected through MTV to metamorphose an entire generation through subtle mechanics. This phenomenon killed the entirety of the Alternative/Punk movement and prevented it from making any waves as far as social reconstruction. As the FIC tends to do, it nullified any component of true socialism and decadently rendered it passe as it was swallowed alive by the "bohemoth" media and became nothing more than a trend to follow.

In mainstream culture, the term slacker is thrown around to include people that are generally frowned upon by corporate 9-to-5 society. These include artists, performers, activists, and journalists that don't want to earn a salary that pays their bills but kills them inside. I fall into that category. I myself am employed, but I do not consider my job conducive to a career that fulfills the mind, body and spirit. Therefore by virtue I fall into the slacker category because I have an occupation where the work I do is despised by the corporations even though it keeps things running. I am a messenger, otherwise known as the literal corporate carrier pigeon. Most of the work I do as a messenger is for the Fashion Industrial Complex, ie. designers, boutiques and retailers. I am directed every day by security guards in large office buildings to use the service entrance because the beautiful people in the lobbies and normal elevators do not want to know that messengers exist. This is not the kind of work I want to do for the rest of my natural life. Therefore I am calling on people who feel the same way, in order to create a better workforce for creative types to thrive, for all who at one point in their lives have been given the slacker label to form a MILLION SLACKER MARCH!!

The purpose of this march is not satire or sarcasm, in fact my republican friends on the Sean Hannity website were busy debating whether or not myself and Roman were serious about the march idea or if it was just a joke. But regardless if the title "MILLION SLACKER MARCH" is catchy and could come across as a joke, millions of lives are wasted because they have fallen into the slacker category and accrued the punishment of living up to the shameful stereotypes that plague us as a whole. These include laziness, drug addiction, and even homelessness. So it is a serious issue. We therefore need a forum where the slackers of the world can reclaim our identity as people that want to be given a chance under a progressive government that can adequately respond to the demands and work requirements of all people, not just FIC/corporate types.

The FIC-engineered imprisonment of Paris Hilton

Talk about publicity stunts. Paris Hilton, in the style of OJ Simpson, Robert Blake and Michael Jackson attempted to flout justice by claiming medical excuses but was unsuccessful. Now, after crying for her mommy like a 3-year-old on national televison, Paris has "successfully" served her 23-day prison sentence for driving drunk with a suspended license. And the world could not be more of a pleasant place to live. But enough gloating. The issue at hand is not her apparent comeuppance being perhaps 2007's greatest victory, but the fact that her supposed reformation as a person is suspect. Leave it to the Fashion Industrial Complex to construct such an abomination that more impressionable youth would consider the subcommandante of the bimb brigade someone to emulate. They do this through various media, i.e. Paris Hilton's publicists, pr puppets and handlers. The FIC has so many tricks up their sleeve that it is possible that the arrest/conviction in itself was engineered as a publicity stunt to elevate Paris Hilton's tarnished image.

A friend of mine says that this is a turnaround for Paris Hilton and that as a result, she will lend herself to worthy causes, such as the antiwar movement. He also claims that Paris will also change the Fashion Industrial Complex for the better. To coin a cliched phrase from the 90's, AS IF!! Even if she so much as outwardly reforms her character by dressing in more modest clothes and beginning to associate with more dignified people (think Christine Aguilera), the Fashion Industrial Complex cannot and will not be reformed as a result. As for her recent interest in spiritual matters, whatever church she belongs to (the Church of plastic spa treatments, most likely) may as well be using Paris to gain more churchgoers for purely political/financial reasons and having nothing whatsoever to do with spirituality and/or religion. What CAN she possibly do that's different? Unless if she decides to do a version of "The Simple Life" where she poses as a homeless person (which would have been a better punishment than prison), it's safe to say that I will not in any way, shape or form subscribe to the kinder, gentler Paris. She couldn't possibly overcome her shallowness. If the Fashion Industrial Complex uses this as an example of how people can turn around, I'm not buying it.

30-second Sound byte performances at Virgin Megastore: Your next stop, the FIC twilight zone

ROD SERLING: Imagine a world where youth, being completely hyped and wired to the technology of the era, seeking to be entertained by using only a fragment of their imagination. And that fragment of their imagination is stimulated by only a fragment of a recording. Imagine moving a needle of a phonograph to the next song while in the middle and doing that in front of a live audience, with a stage and musical equipment. Could this be done on purpose to save time, energy and resources, or could they perhaps be carrying a tune into the Twilight Zone!

Our story begins at the Virgin Megastore for records in the Union Square area of the borough of Manhattan in New York City. The area was once notorious for activities exercising the first amendment. No area could be more fiercer than Union Square for its emphasis on free speech, particularly during the 1960's. Yet there will come a time, in the year 2007, where Men, Women and Children are fixated on their image only rather than the character and quality of their personality. Meet Theodore Rourke, a 26-year-old activist and Journalist moonlighting as a messenger. Finished with his work for the day, he happens on the store where a local band is using its stage for its venue. And midway throughout each of their repertoire, they stopped playing. What was the madness behind it all? To play a 30-minute set where each of your songs are played through halfway is pointless. You might as well just condense your songs and play half of the selections instead of giving the audience audio foreplay. Yet the band needs to respectfully tow the line of the Fashion Industrial Complex by caving in to the seemingly demanding music retail industry. Or perhaps the mindset of control brought about by the ethos of the FIC is providing musicians with the illusion that whatever the price, rules must be followed or your career goes nowhere. It has to be illusory, otherwise bands wouldn't appear to be selling their souls and churning out such garbage with no substance. In this instance, greed has to be the modus operandi.

Had Rod Serling been alive today, he would no doubt be convinced that his show was prophetic.

Released to the public for the first time: THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH CONSPIRACY

No doubt since the passing of Anna Nicole Smith have more and more details of her mysterious life been surfacing, mostly coming from Bush acolyte and public diversion expert Rupert Murdoch. Every second since the tragedy , the media sources associated with NEWS, CORP. (FOX Media and NY POST) have been the primary among news sources to inform the public of these shadowy facts that have reemerged in the form of a different body. Yes, that's right, it's beginning to sound a lot like they are attempting to construct their own conspiracy theory on the death of Anna Nicole, in the style of the JFK conspiracies and what more people are now doing with 9-11. Both the JFK assassination and 9-11 have their individual meaning and place in history. However, Anna Nicole Smith, who in her life had been a mediocre gossip topic with no credibility but her controversial publicity stunts and sizeable busom, is hardly worth mentioning as a possible coverup/conspiracy. To compare her to Marilyn Monroe is laughable.

Nevertheless, since it seems to be so fun for the media to piece together whatever they can to solve this mystery (who needs actual news anyway?), I thought it might be fun to devise my own theory based on the myriad ideas of the tragedy that have presented themselves. So without further due: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, THE ANNA NICOLE SMITH CONSPIRACY REVEALED TO THE PUBLIC ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

Our story begins in September, 2006. Anna Nicole Smith gives birth to the million dollar baby, Danniellyn, in the Bahamas. Three days later her 20-year-old son, Daniel dies a mysterious death. Most people remember him from the thankfully short-lived Anna Nicole Smith reality series in 2002. Coroners ruled the probable cause to be a drug cocktail mixed with methadone. Anna Nicole, reportedly distraught over her son's death, marries Howard K. Stern in a matter of weeks. So much for grief and mourning.

Throughout her life, Anna Nicole Smith had been pegged as a celebrity whose merit was based solely on shock value and stunt pulling to intrigue her woefully lame audience. These include her marriage to oil tycoon, and perhaps a would-be friend of the Bushes named J. Howard Marshall. When Marshall died, she filed a lawsuit against family for his inheritance and wound up losing. In addition, after the death of Marshall's body, she claimed to have sexual relations with his ghost. What else would she be capable of doing?

Back to the story. Still in the Bahamas, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in more or less the same hotel room that her son had passed away in months before. The cause of death was eerily similar. Drugs were found in her bloodstream, perhaps the same that killed her son. These are the facts, yet what sort of conclusion can be drawn from them?

Following her death, the media began to speculate about the quandary of Anna Nicole's baby and who the father was. None have presented logical conclusions about Anna's supposed suitors, nor have they even conducted DNA testing in the nearly two months that have passed since the tragedy. Somebody's hiding something, and the answer just might be closer than you think.

Enter Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole's Lover who has come forward claiming sole responsiblity for the child and the estate at stake. Stern had no visible involvement, neither in her death or her son's death. Why the shadows? Why the mystery? I surmise that, in a fit of rage and passion, Stern murdered both Anna Nicole Smith and her son over being disgusted of the fact that they conceived a child together.

WOAHH!! NO HE DID NOT--Yes, I did. As taboo as it sounds, there is tangible reason to assume that regardless of the recent findings in the news of who Dannielynn's father really is, Anna did indeed become impregnated by her own son. Think about it. Why would Anna, in the process of mourning her son, decide to marry so sudden and so abruptly? To make it look like the child was not a bastard and was not conceived in incest. Moreover, Dannielynn sounds like something an inbred would name her child. As they say (and pump more money into the FIC by saying), ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!

EMERGENCY ACTION: Save Aqua Teen Hunger Force from EXTINCTION!

On Wednesday, January 31, the mooninites invaded the city of Boston. I'm speaking, of course, of the merry two-dimensional pranksters from the hit toon "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" on Adult Swim (Cartoon Network), of which anyone who knows me can say, I am a huge fan. So when news broke of a guerrilla advertising company setting off terror alarms in Beantown, I went into attack mode. Not because I was worried that Ignignokt and Err might attack our nation, but something much, much worse.

Initially the panic was set off by what the Department of Homeland Security described as a "suspicious device". Furthermore, they added that there were "several electronic devices of a character giving the finger" placed among highways and bridges in several US cities, more prominently Boston. When the threat turned out to be a hoax, the blame was placed on Ted Turner and an advertising agency that engineered a publicity stunt for Aqua Teen Hunger Force, perhaps for the upcoming movie. Arrests were made, and Ted Turner ending up paying $2 Million to the affected agencies. Yet I still fear for the nation's safety.

The New York Post depicted the blinking electronic device giving the finger as "Ignignokt". The character in the devices is actually Err, the juvenile sidekick. I feel that this misrepresentation is deliberate (as if either Err or Ignignokt were here to defend themselves) as part of an even bigger ploy. It seems that this was a staged incident by Rupert Murdoch used to instigate a Fashion Industrial Complex war against rival Ted Turner, that uses US citizens as pawns. Mysteriously enough, The Post was the only New York tabloid to put news about the hoax on the front page. Immediately, Ted Turner was recognized as the target of reproach. What's more, another Post article snides Aqua Teen Hunger Force as "catering to the late-night, dorito-munching insomniac stoner crowd." How true, if only this Post reporter wasn't writing with an ulterior motive.

So with all the ducks in a row, I can only imagine what will happen in the coming months. Homeland Security will start to rationalize about Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Already with the knowledge that the show is a fave among potheads, they will come to the conclusion that in light of the incident, Aqua Teen fans are dangerous subversives. Throw the pot factor into the equation, and you have what the Partnership for a Drug Free America has already hinted in their post-9/11 messages, that MARIJUANA=TERRORISM.

Homeland Security will begin to place sanctions on retailers carrying Aqua Teen Hunger Force products, and seize all merchandise. Police will monitor anyone with pot arrests and convictions under the age of 35 for a possible link to the Aqua Teen fanbase. They will conduct raids of anyone that has purchased an Aqua Teen Hunger Force item since 2004, and will demand that they reveal to them anybody that has the slightest interest in Aqua Teen. ATHF creators Dave Willis (the voice of Ignignokt, Meatwad and Carl) and Matt Maiellaro will be deported. All that have taken part in the ATHF franchise will be taken to Guantanamo.

And just what does Rupert Murdoch stand to gain with this plan? Control. Over the media, the internet, the general public. He'll have the whole world convinced that Ted Turner's media conglomerate is a sham and supports terrorism. More people will rely on News, Corp. (FOX NEWS and the NY Post) for information. Youth will continue to ignore the negative press about Myspace.com. And more of our soldiers and Iraqi civilians will die because of misinformation. Believe me on this one. So tell your friends, your loved ones, and whoever you consider to be important. SAVE AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE FROM EXTINCTION!!!